Making It Happen

"You can't just sit there and wait for people to give you that golden dream. You've got to get out there and make it happen for yourself." —Diana Ross

Anchor On My Heart

Letting go is a tricky thing. It feels like your heart is attached to an anchor and that you are forever connected to feelings that you so desperately want to move past. I started dating my now ex-husband when I was 16 years old. We moved in together when I was 17 (almost 18) and he was 21. BABIES. That fall I started my senior year of high school. We were married in the fall of 1998. I was 22. He was 26. We had our first child in 2001. We had our second child in 2003. I became a stay-at home Mom. We bought, sold, built, sold, bought, and sold 3 homes before putting an addition on his parents house and moving in with them in 2008. (side note: as much as I love his parents, this was a very VERY bad idea.)

Somewhere in 2010 things started going downhill for us. Money was becoming a constant source of anxiety. He was getting more and more depressed. I was completely shutting him out. There were A LOT of factors, but the bottom line is our relationship was dying and neither of us could figure out how to save it.

In 2012 we divorced. And although I had come to terms with "the end" and was in a much better place emotionally, I still had this feeling that my heart was anchored to that relationship. With my hindsight glasses on, I see that our co-dependent patterns were playing out even during and post our divorce.
Truthfully, I was looking for HIM to tell me everything was going to be ok. I wanted him to tell me that he still loved me and we would always be a team, even if we weren't married. <---- nuts, right??

It has taken me the better part of the year after our divorce to understand what I was holding onto. And I get it. That relationship defined me. There was no separating ME from ME&him. And even though the divorce did just that - it moved me and him into separate lives - I was anchored in the history of our relationship.
It's a HUGE work in progress. Removing the anchor. Letting go.

Best. Advice. Ever.

I can't remember where I first discovered this 2Pac quote, but I do remember it perfectly summed up everything I needed to hear in that moment.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” Tupac

GAH! That was so me! Justifying, over-analyzing and trying my hardest to make sense of a senseless situation ... I needed to move the eff on. And I needed Tupac Shakur to tell me this.

Going through my divorce was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. It's such a strange thing when you're up against the person who was supposed to be your teammate for life. I was constantly playing out scenarios in my head - What if I said this - or did that? What would he do? How would he respond? I wanted to understand and I wanted to be understood. To a fault. I needed to let go. I needed to move on. I needed to stop focusing on thy "Why" and pay attention to the "Now". And that "Now" was I getting divorced, I wouldn't have answers to all of my questions, and it was going to be ok. I was going to be ok. My kids were going to be ok.

I still have a tendency to over-think situations. When I feel that happening or I hear myself telling the same story over and over, I stop and think WW2PD? And I try and do that. :)